Like a garment -By Sheik Yasir Qadhi

In this lecture we are going to discuss 7 key facts men need to understand about women and women need to understand about men to have a better relationship with them.  

What WOMEN need to know about MEN 

1) RESPECT – what a man wants most from his wife is RESPECT. If a man feels that he has earned the respect of his wife, if she looks up to him, then he feels that he has the authority, he feels masculine, he feels he is in charge.  Indeed Allah (swt) has said in the Quran -  Alrrijalu qawwamoona AAala alnnisa 

               Men are in charge of women  (4:34) 

The word used is “qawwamoona”, the caretakers or the providers of women.  

Modern psychologists truly understand this concept, they say that by respecting a man she is saying that he is her protector, that he is her guardian, her warrior. Therefore, by showing respect to her husband, she brings out the best in her man. She extracts from him the love, the tenderness, the protection. And what woman wouldn’t want her husband to love and protect her!  

So how exactly does a wife show respect to her husband? Respect is not a word or a statement, respect is an attitude, it’s a mode of life.  

1. Respect his knowledge and judgement: By this it means when he makes a decision, don’t second guess or don’t doubt his ability to make that decision. By doubting his ability to make a decision, you belittle him, you make him feel childish, like he is not intelligent or qualified. Don’t treat your husband like you would your child. For example, if your husband wants to buy something that you would necessarily not agree with, let him buy it, its his money. Or don’t give him directions when driving unless he asks. By always commenting or question his decisions, you are showing him that you simply don’t trust him. It’s not that women always needs to be submissive, but it’s just an argument that a woman should respect her husband’s judgement , even if sometimes he is wrong. 

  

2. Let him learn from his own mistakes, don’t become his mother: For example, when you and your husband are driving to some ones place and you know their house is on the left but your husband takes the right turn, don’t correct him unless he asks, don’t rub it in, let him learn from his mistake so he will only blame himself. If you tell him the direction and it turns out to be wrong, he will be angry at you too. So let him learn from his own mistakes. This is of the ways of showing your respect, that you don’t double guess his judgment.  

3. Trust his capability in what he attempts to do -  Believe it or not, most men can solve the problems they set out to solve! Men love to fix things, they love to take things apart and fix them back to together. So if there is a leaky faucet in your house and your husband comes like your shining knight in armor to fix it for you, don’t deflate his ego by scorning or laughing at him and telling him to just call the plumber. Let him do it and appreciate his effort. And let him learn from his own mistakes if he cant. In most case, a man can solve the task he sets out to do. Instead, if you insist on disrespecting him and demeaning him and challenging his ability, then basically you are making him feel like a fool, like an unintelligent person. And so you are hurting his ego. Respect her his by trusting his ability and judgment.  

4. Show respect in your tone and your choice of words – Husbands around the world complain that their wife is nagging them too much. Every culture, every society, the man always says “ tsk! My wife is just nagging”. Why is this? Its because the man feels that his wife is not respecting him, makes him feel like he is not qualified to do what he is doing, that is basically, you are treating him like a child. You have to understand my dear sister in Islam, that for your husband, his list of priorities is not the same as yours. He may have a major project to do at work, or needs to pay the rent and these are more important than a leaky faucet. There is a time, a place and most importantly a tone of voice and proper choice of words to use when the wife continues to remind her husband of a task to be done (like the leaky faucet). And if your husband suggests an alternate plan, don’t immediately comeback with a sarcastic retort. It’s not saying that you need to be submissive but that disagreements should be presented within the framework of respect.  For example for the leaky faucet, you can convey/ remind you husband by saying that "Honey, I know you are busy, but when you have the time, please help me with...."- It's all the matter of choice of words and not to sound too nagging or disrespectful. And, most of the times, when you convey the message in the following manner, the man will fix up the issue within a short period of time. 

5. Never ever crack a joke about him in public, in front of other people  or in front of his family and friends – Men have fragile egos, extremely fragile egos. They do not like their wives disrespecting them in public. For a man, if his wife doesn’t respect him, then who will. Conversely, if his wife respects him, then he can challenge the world and he can take on the world. So one of the best ways to respect your husband is to praise your husband in front your family and friends. Praise him to his face as well, when he takes you out or fixes the faucet. It’s going to provide a good stroking to his ego and he is going to feel loved and he feels if his wife is going to look up to him, the world is going to look up to him! Go ahead, inflate his ego and you are going to reap the benefits of it. If you feel that you did something to disrespect him, say you are sorry, acknowledge it, show your remorse.  Our religion commands to respect the husband. And there is a hadiths about this , which is often misused, but that doesn’t deny the fact that the hadiths exists. 

Al-Tirmidhi Hadith 285Narrated by Abu Hurayrah 

The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: 'Had it been permissible that a person may prostrate himself before another, I would have ordered that a wife should prostrate herself before her husband.'  

Sisters, if you treat your husbands with respect, your husbands will love you, cherish you, will provide for you, will comfort you, because that is exactly what a loving and respectful husband does. Conversely, if you treat him with disrespect, do not be surprised that he will not treat you the way you expect. 

2. Men are created to provide: thus its ingrained in the, its in the fitrah of a man to want to protect his wife. This goes back to what Allah says in the Quran that men are “qawwamoon” over women. ‘Qawwam’ means to take care of and we all know that our shari’ah obligates upon men to take care of women. Thus when a man provides for his family they feel a sense of accomplishment, they like to be depended on, they like to be viewed as providers and supporters. Therefore, working hard for the family is a part of being a man. But the irony is when the man works hard long hours at office, the wives think they are being unloving, ignoring their needs. The women need to understand that a man working long hours is often a sign that he loves his family and wants to provide for them. The man needs to try and balance his time between work and family. While the women needs to understand that it’s not a competition between her and work, he is working hard for his wife and children.  

3. Sex empowers men – Sex empowers men, men feel powerful when they are given sexual attention. Its no secret that men are sexual creatures. The number one complain that husbands have across the globe is that their wives don’t give them enough sex, and this is regardless of religion, race, ethnicity or culture. Women need to understand that sex is the key to unlocking a man’s emotion. When a man is shown sexual attention, it makes him feel masculine, it makes up for any other faults the woman might have. And if a woman does not give man sex, every fault of hers, even imaginary faults will be discovered. Sex makes a man feel loved and to love back. If he has great sex, he is able to sweep over many other worries in life, whether it be work related, or family issues or any other. Thus its clearly forbidden in our shari’ah for a woman to say no to her husbands advances. Saying no to his advances makes him feel ultimately disrespected and deeply rejected. Men’s need for sex is'nt just a biological need, it’s a psychological need as well..

4. Men find all women attractive -  women are the single greatest source of fitnah for men. Men are naturally attracted to women, not just ‘a woman’, but women in the plural. Even if he loves his wife with his heart and soul,  visually, one part of his brain (not his heart), will find millions and billions of woman attractive. Women need to understand how visual men are. If a woman walks into the room, you may notice what clothes she is wearing, or the jewellery she is wearing. But for a man, he would notice how tight her dress is or how it attenuates her curves or how much skin is being shown. And as long as he is in that room, he wil be battling the urge to stare. This is ingrained in every single man, whether he is pious or not, young or old, single or married.But,this  does not mean that he has stop loving you, he still loves you. This is just another part of his brain doing the work, so even if you are holding your husband's hand in the mall, he will check out the other women. It is interesting to point out about a popular incident took place to a very popular model. This particular model is considered to be very beautiful to many people. But, her own husband was caught watching pornography of other women by her in their house and she then immediately divorced her husband . This incident is not tell its okay for brothers to watch pornography(audhubillah), but this is just to tell that brothers are different from sisters.That is why our shari’ah commands us to lower our gaze. Thus sisters, flaunt your body in front of your husband and give him what is halal for him to see, let him appreciate your beauty and In Shaa Allah it will help him be a better muslim, a better husband..  

5. Romance = sex –  For a man, romance is the same as sex . for a man, he will be romantic and the main reason he would do it is because he would want it or lead to sex. Men aren’t inherently romantic, however they would like to be romantic. In a survey it was seen that the number one reason men are not romantic it is because they are scared of rejection, being ridiculed, mocked or discouraged. In other words, men feel insecure about how successful their romantic attempts are going to be. So women need to be extra sensitive how they interpret or receive the romance. For example, if a man takes out his wife for nice evening and the wife criticizes the restaurant , he will take it as if he hasn’t done his job, even though from the wife’s perspective she might be having a great time with her husband. The husband would feel like he failed. Women should understand that the reason why a man shows his romance is because he wants her to be happy and thank him. Sometimes the idea of romance may differ between a couple, in this case the couple need to open up and communicate to each other what exactly is their idea of romance. The key here is COMMUNICATION

6. Beauty is the attempt to be beautiful –  Truth is that your husbands really doesn’t care if your butt is a little larger than when you got married. But he does care if you try to look beautiful for him. When you try to make your self look good, comb your hair, dress well or put on perfume before he comes home, it makes him feel you care about looking nice for him, you care about his attention. He doesn’t expect you to be like the super models out there – he can differenctiate between what is real and fake. But he wants you to attempt to look nice for him. Women spend hours getting ready for a sisters party or a wedding. But my dear sisters, the person you should really be getting ready for, getting decked up for, the one who deserves your best looks, is your husband.  

7. Cave time -  It is in the nature of men to need some alone time, to be cut off form everything. Whether its reading the news on their mobiles, or watching a match, or browsing the net,  they need some alone time. When they have any problem, they don’t tell other people about it, they sit down and think about it. Or they will think of other problems and let that  problem work at the back of their mind. Once they are done with their cave time, they are usually back with the family. So sisters, if you see your husband needs his cave time, let him be. If you need to talk to him during this time, ask him when he would be fine talking and set aside a time to talk things out. The brothers are different from the sisters, when they are facing a problem, they will need solutions instead of consolations or sympathy.

What MEN need to know about WOMEN 

In this lecture we are going to talk about what every single man needs to know about women, how do women think and how are they different from men. 

1. Reassurance of love:  

Women need reassurance that they are always loved. They need to feel that they are loved, appreciated and cherished -Its like the woman is the beautiful statue and the husband needs to keep on compliment her. The biggest problem here is that men take women’s love for granted. You might think “of course! my wife knows I love her, whether I show it or not”. But the question is not whether you love her; the question is whether or not you are showing it. Men are very logical creatures, they think- “ I’m providing for my wife, I’m paying the rent, I go back to her at night, I’m taking care of the house, of course she must logically and rationally see that I love her”.  But women are not thinking things through in the same type of manner, they are thinking things in an emotional sense. So for example, if the husband is often silent (which most men are), if the husband doesn’t talk about his problems (which most men don’t), if the husband goes in this ‘cave’, if the husband is busy is work, for most women its taken as a signal that he does’nt love her.  

The different ways of showing love are – 

  1. Verbal affirmation – “I love you” never goes out of style in any language. It  never looses its charm and it needs to be said continuously. It’s not just that phrase. It’s positive reassurance, it’s affirmation, its taking into account the good that she does.  

2. Physical reassurance – Lots  of hugging, lots of touching, lots of kissing, all nonsexual here. Remember, for women, it’s the non sexual hugging and kissing that makes them feel cherished and loved.  

 3. Companionship – For men this is the most difficult because men do not open up about their problems and worries. But for women, this is what is the most important for them. SO open up, treasure like a true companion, tell her your worries and fears and expect her to open up too. This is really what a woman wants, that emotional connection with a man. Also remember, when she is emotional, don’t just walk away into your ‘cave’. Just be there and listen, you are the man, try to keep your cool as much as possible. You want to handle the fears alone , she wants to handle her fears in your company. Realize, when a woman becomes emotional, she is trying to connect with you; when you become emotional, you want to go away into your ‘cave 'and be away from the scene. For a woman, walking away from a scene of argument is seen as a rejection of her companionship. IF you want you could tell her “ honey, I want to think things through, Let’s talk about this in half an hour” (in other words give her a time frame when you can come back and talk about it). It’s fine, you don’t have to be there, but whatever you do, do not just turn your back and walk away – that’s the worst thing you can do in an argument. And whatever it is, try to keep your cool, because remember, for women being emotional doesn’t have the same connotations as for  a man – for a woman, being emotional comes naturally and its normal for her to be agitated or emotional. But for men, being emotional or agitated is asking for trouble. So remember to take this into context and resolve the conflict at that time or at another time you set.                                                                                   

  

2. Thought process:      

Women think very differently than men. Now most men believe that women are emotional creatures. Now there maybe some little truth to that statement but this is a very clichéd statement. A women’s thought process is different than a man’s. Generally peaking, a man focuses on one primary thought at one time; he solves it and he moves on. He maybe having a very bad argument with his wife but the next day at work, generally speaking, he would be able to do his work just fine. This is called “compartmentalization”- he can take a problem and put it into a compartment and just shove it aside when needed and concentrate on another problem.  

For a woman, she is going through multiple thought processes at the same time – she is dealing with mundane issues, she is thinking about the house chores, she is dealing with emotional stress (all at the same time). For a guy, this is simply impossible to imagine. For the women, they truly can multi task. For instance, when cooking a recipe, a man may need clear instructions and checklist and would concentrate on that single task till the meal is cooked. For a woman, its very normal to be cooking a meal and cleaning the vessel and getting her son ready- all the same time.  

So what does this translate into for a man and a woman?  

- Well, for one thing, its very easy for women to jump from one topic to another in their conversations but for a man its like “where did that.. how did that come from!”. For a woman, it seems like a logical progression, its works. But for a man its completely disorienting. Sometimes it can be very frustrating for a man when he is talking about something and his wife starts talking about something completely unrelated. She is not being disrespectful, this is the way her thought processes are working.  

- Another thing that every single husband would be familiar with  - women never forget anything done in the past! No matter how many years, or decades or centuries have passed! For man , when he is talking about a current issue or current problem, it doesn’t make sense that a past issue is brought up. But men need to understand that for a women its pretty common to bring up something in the past – it’s pretty common, it happens and its natural; it’s the way that their though process works.   

- Another thing that can be very frustrating for men is that women can be engaged in intimacy and when the husband is in the heat of the moment, she can be thinking about something totally unrelated, like the chores for tomorrow or taking care of the kids or the bills, the groceries. And some times, she may verbalize these thoughts and there goes the romance!  This is natural for woman can they can always multitask and they do not compartmentalize. But its something that women need to realize that when the husbands are aroused, they only want one thing. So for her to bring up anything at all that is not related is a big mood killer! It just destroys the entire moment. It hurts the husband that when he is showing his love to her (this is one of the languages of love for men!), she is busy thinking about other things.  

- This also means that a man shouldn’t assume anything, that her irritation is because of you or any other thing until you confirm. The best thing is to allow her to talk through her issues and to be a friend for her.  

3. Emotional security – Women need emotional security. Most men like to provide for the family, primarily financially, which is great and a necessary thing masha Allah! But what most men don’t realize is that for women, they are more in need of emotional security than financial. What this translates into is that when a husband is working long hours in his office, he thinks he is doing a great job providing for his wife, he is working his behind off to give her what she deserves. However from her perspective she is saying “my husband is rarely home, perhaps he doesn’t have that connection with me, perhaps he is not as close to me as he should be, Perhaps HE DOESN’T LOVE ME enough”. Men have this misconception that just because women love to shop, they are more materialistic than men. However, the average woman values a strong loving relationship with a poor husband over a poor relationship with a rich husband. In a study, 90% of the woman stated that they would prefer their husbands taking a lower paying job if it meant the husbands could spend more time at home.  Thus a man needs to work to build that emotional security with a woman. It can be built by doing the small things- keeping in touch often, texting her, calling her from office, MAKING QUALITY TIME for her, even if working late reminding her that it’s for her and for the future of the kids. Talk , talk and talk to her! Also, remember that your wife and kids have a right over your time too, so try to find the right balance between work and spending time with family. 

4. Partner/friend – A man needs to remember that what a woman really needs is a partner and a friend. For a woman, the ideal husband is her best friend. For a man, that’s not necessarily the case, he might have another best friend and his wife might not be his best friend – it could happen. For a man, he could love his wife to death and she might not be his best friend. But HE needs to realize that if he wants his wife to genuinely love him, he NEEDS to become her best friend. Now, for a woman, what is a best friend – a best friend is someone who is willing to listen with care, pay attention, who is going to sympathize, and connect with her on an emotional level.  Men and women talk for different reasons- when a man talks about a problem, he wants to talk as little as possible, he doesn’t want someone to listen for a long period of time, he wants somebody to solve the problem. He is not looking for sympathy or a shoulder to cry on. He is looking for solutions and he wants an answer. So he wants to go to somebody he looks up to, for knowledge, for inspiration. Now, when a woman comes to her husband with a problem , he goes into his ‘man mode’- which means he offers explicit solutions to problem – and this is a big mistake! The impression you are giving her is you are brushing aside her concerns. If you ever observe two women talking, you will see that they would talk about the same issue over and over and dwell on it. This is how women communicate. They need someone who can sympathize with them, empathize with them. They need to talk and let their emotions come out and need to feel listened to and understood by those whom they love. For women, it’s not the issue but the emotions generated by the issue that matters.  In most cases, not offering a solution to her problems and just listening to her would make her feel you are empathizing with her. It’s hard for men but there is no getting around to it. Men really need to learn to listen to their wives and this means turning of the television and giving her your full attention. If its not possible at that time, set a time frame when you would like to talk about it and then honor your commitment. Also understand that your job as  a man is not to talk them out of their feelings but merely to sympathize with those feelings and understand those feelings. Whatever you do, don’t tell her she is overreacting, or over emotional or don’t ever tell her she is going through PMS! Don’t tell her she shouldn’t be feeling this way – don’t question her side of the story, just listen. Once she is done, ask her if she wants a solution and if she is hurt, hug her, and always sympathize with her. 

This some something that is very hard for most men but if you want a genuine relationship with your wife, you are going to have to learn to be friends with her, open up and be a true life partner. 

5. Sex is about emotional connection- For women, sex is not about the physical pleasure, not at all. The primary motivation of sex for women is emotional. Men have a physical need for intimacy, and that’s why they pursue it and they go after it and they initiate it. Women don’t have a physical need for it as much as the men. For women it’s about romance novels and the Hollywood chick flicks – its about the emotional connection. So men need to understand that if women don’t seem too enthusiastic about sex or make excuses out of it, it’s nothing to do with you or your performance. Don’t take it personally and don’t assume that your wife is different from any other woman. When a man is in love with a woman, he automatically wants to have sex with her, for a woman when she is in love, she wants the emotional connection. A woman’s arousal is not like a man’s – when she says she is not in the mood, she really is not in the mood.  But a man needs sex, he needs physical intimacy to unwind and relax. But for a woman, after a whole day of chores, taking care of the kids and after their yelling and screaming, sex is the last thing on her mind. It doesn’t relax her as it relaxes men. And men need to understand that it’s a natural part of being a woman.  This doesn’t mean that men need to give up hope. A woman is aroused when she feels wanted, when she feels pursued, when she feels her husband notices her and vies for her attention. She is not aroused by visual stimulation. If a man comes home and takes his clothes off in front of his wife, she would literally say “ewww its disgusting!. But if a man comes home and his woman takes her clothes off, this a man’s dream come true! It’s two totally different attitudes to the same thing.  So basically, how you treat your wife in the kitchen will translate to how she will treat you in the bedroom – its as simple as that.  

6. Women feel beautiful through clothes and accessories – Women want to feel beautiful by dressing up, by the clothes that they wear, by the perfume that they put on. Allah (swt) Himself mentions that in the Quran. It’s in the nature of the women to dress up, to accessorize – to put on earrings, to put on jewelry. And when she does this, the husband must realize that she is doing this in order for you to notice her, show her your attraction and appreciation. By not noticing her when she does all of the above, you are destroying any future attempts by her to beautify herself for you. Men need to take a mental notice when your wives dress up and when your wives change their style. And never ever stare at another woman in your wife’s presence. Of course you shouldn’t do it at any time, Allah (swt) hasn’t allowed us to do. But wallahi! Even non Muslims realize that how crude and how vulgar it is to stare at another woman in front for their wife. You are destroying her self confidence and her love for you. You need to make your wife feel like she is the most important and the most beautiful object on earth. And you are not going to be doing that by staring at other women.  

7. Don’t rationalize – Don’t rationalize every single problem a woman comes to you with – remember for women it’s emotional more than it’s rational. Remember our Prophet (saw) said in the hadiths that a woman is created from a rib and a rib is crooked! And the most crooked part is the highest part. This means that you cannot make a woman like a man, if you try to do it, you are breaking her and breaking her means divorcing her. You have to benefit from her as she is – this means emotionally, physically, physiologically, psychologically she is different from the man.  

In conclusion, brothers and sisters, men and women, husbands and wives, realize that  “walaisa zakarukal unsa”- the man is not like the woman. (Quran, 3:36)