Weaving it together towards a blissful home- by Abu Mussab

Weaving it together towards a blissful home

      Abu Mussab Wajdi Akkari

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Introduction: 

“Weaving” means interlacing fabric to create a cloth. The title was chosen as it signifies the way a muslim household is supposed to be – the relationship between a husband and wife, father and daughter, mother and daughter, father and son, mother and son, among siblings- the relations should be such that it brings the household together to build a foundation upon which they can all enter paradise. And paradise is the ultimate goal of any muslim.

1) Relationship between a husband and wife

The relationship between a husband and wife is one of the most critical relationships in a house hold, because based upon the well being of this relationship would be the well being of other relationships in the household. If the relationship between a husband and wife is corrupt, one can hardly ever expect things to be clear and straight forward in the house.  To make sure the family is flourishing in the right way, it has to be built upon the foundations of taqwa and advice or solutions should be sought from sources that have a sound Islamic background.  

For instance, one of the most common things parents these days do when a child complains too much or gets cranky or when the parents simply want some time for them selves is put the children in front of the television and let them watch all the cartoons out there. It may provide the solution from a worldly point of view that the children are kept engaged. 

However, from an Islamic point of view, it’s absolutely the wrong solution. It’s indeed a tool to destroy the child- a major tool of destruction. Most of these cartoons have shirk integrated in them in the form of believe in magicians, fairies, encouragement to disobey parents and so on. 

One of the most popular cartoons is the little mermaid. At first look, it’s just an innocent cartoon about a mermaid in water. But on a closer look, it’s really the story of a half naked lady wearing a bra, who is running away from her father to meet her lover who is on land. And what more, it’s glamorized and applauded. Now, our little children, who are exposed to this from a very young age, get the message that if you love a boy, don’t worry about your parents, you can run away, you can escape and as long as you are with your lover, life is good. Lo behold! Is it a surprise then when they disobey their parents when older!  

The steps to build a household on the foundations of taqwa and righteousness begin with choosing of the right spouse.

Narrated Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).”  al-Bukhaari (4802) and Muslim (1466)

The above hadiths doesn’t mean that the man only look for religion and ignore the other three qualities.  If you can find a spouse with two or three or  all the four qualities, then Alhamdulillah! However, priority must be given to finding a spouse who also has a sound grounding in the deen and religious knowledge. Even when a women looks for a man, the same principle applies. 

The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said,"If one whose religion and character pleases you proposes to you, you should marry him. If you do not do so, them will be tribulations in the land and great evil."- sahi ibn Majah

In our cultures today, we have added some criterion for marriage which makes the wholeprocess difficult, complicated, annoying and overly sophisticated, thereby going exactly against the sunnah of the prophet (saw). When the prophet (saw) was presented with a woman for marriage and he declined, someone sitting in the gathering got up and expressed his desire to marry her. The prophet (saw) allowed the man to present anything he could afford as dowry, even if just an iron ring, and then marry the woman. Some might say this is too easy but that’s exactly what Islam seeks to do. Make it easy for people to have halal marriages and avoid complicating it unnecessarily. So if a man whose religion and character is good comes asking for a girls hand, then let the father give his daughter’s hand in marriage to this man (as long as the girl agrees of course ), without complicating it too much.

Now once a man and woman have joined together in marriage and have started a family, there are certain things the husband and wife have to be mindful of. In the very early stages, its often very complicated because the man and the woman may have very different personalities. At times the personalitites match perfectly and all is well Alhamdulillah!. However, in certain cases, the spouses have totally opposite personalities and are just not able to get along. At this time, the person needs to be realistic. Divorce is allowed and legal in islam, but its never the best option, indeed it should be the last option as the aftermath of divorce is often disastrous, especially if kids are involved. However, some people mis use this and keep threatening their wives with divorce. Divorce is not a toy that can be played around it. One should try all the means possible to make the marriage work before considering such a drastic step.

Allah has told us in the Quran,

Wamin ayatihi an khalaqa lakum min anfusikum azwajan litaskunoo ilayha wajaAAala baynakum mawaddatan warahmatan inna fee thalika laayatin liqawmin yatafakkaroona
 And among His Signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts); verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.
- Quran, 30:21 

The word used in this verse to describe love is “mawaddah”. Generally, the word used for love is “mahabba”. However, when it comes to the love between a husband and wife, the highest and the most divine form of love is used- Mawaddah. The purpose of the relation between a husband and wife is so that they find tranquility and comfort in eachother, even if they fight or disagree at times. But ultimately, there is a foundation of love and compassion in the household.

- Thus we need to train ourselves to truly love our spouses. Prophet (saw) has said “A believing man should never hate a believing woman. If he dislikes a character in her, he will find another one which he likes.” This means spouses should quit trying to find faults with each other and focus on what they like about each other. However, if there is something our spouse dislikes in us, we still need to make an effort to rectify it.

- Allah says in the quran about the relations between a husband and wife –

“They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them…” [Sûrah al-Baqarah: 187]

The purpose of a garment is to cover one’s nakedness and protect one from the cold or heat and other outward harm. Thus the husband and wife have to be a covering and protection for each other. Rather many times it’s the opposite, they seem to be in a boxing ring fighting each other and ready to criticize each other.

There is an incident mentioned in the hadiths where once, when it was Aysha (ra)’s turn to spend the night with the prophet(saw), the prophet (saw) gets out of her room and walks outside. Aysha (ra) gets disheartened and follows him stealthily, assuming that he (saw) was going to leave her and go to another of his wives instead. However soon she realizes that he (saw) was indeed going to speak to Jibreel (as). Seeing this, she rushes back to her room and gets into her bed. When the prophet (saw) returns, he sees that she was breathing heavily. Soon he realizes that she had indeed followed him out of suspicion. However, prophet (saw) does not blow it up into a big drama but handles her sensitively and asks her if she indeed thought he would be thus unfair to her. Sadly these days, people like to blow up everything into a huge drama making it difficult for the sisters. The husband needs to handle his wife more sensitively and realize that it’s a natural thing for a woman to be possessive about her husband or upset about things that may seem irrelevant to the husband.   As mentioned in the following hadiths-

Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace  said, "Treat women well. Woman was created from a rib. The most crooked part of the rib is the top part. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. If you leave it, it remains crooked. So treat women well."

This means, in order to be happy with a woman, you need to accept that Allah has made her a particular way and she will never be like you. So accept her differences and be happy. Similarly, when a man often messes up or acts insensitive, understand that his nature is different from a woman and may not be as sensitive, so be understanding and patient.

2) Relationship between parents and children

Ya ayyuhal lazina amanu quu anfusakum waahliikum naran waquudu hannasuwal hijaratu
“O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones…”,  (Qur’an 66:6)

-Before we help our families we need to first ensure that we ourselves are doing what is required to save our own souls. A drowning person cannot help others. We ourselves need to be on a secure boat before we can save others. We need to ensure we have sincerely started taking steps by being full time muslims, not just part time during ramadan or some other part of the year. Islam should be in everything, in every aspect of our lives. And once we have done that, we can start focusing on our family – starting with spouse and kids.

-Our kids are what we bring them up to be, by the will of Allah. They will be how we mould them and how we treat them. And some times the most scary part is that, the kids are you. The kids often do what they do because they saw you doing it. So we need to be careful and rectify our behaviors and attitudes first.

-Allah says in the quran regadring children

And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring coolness to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous." 25:75

Wealth and children are [but] adornment of the worldly life. 18:46

3) Children are meant to be the comfort and coolness of one’s eyes: 

This is the kind of relationship we are expected to have with our children. We love our children, we love to invest in them and we wish for them the best. But the truth of the matter is, they will only excel if we help and guide them. So we need to have a program at home where Islamic education is given its due right. The shaytan will strive in this regard- he will try to make sure the kids are not educated and brought up properly, in which case he can be relaxed and happy they won’t be good Muslims for the rest of their lives. But the father or the mother needs to plan and set aside time to give them Islamic lessons at home, start an Islamic library with books appropriate for the kids to read, play games that are halal and Islamic – give them the alternatives to all the junk out there.

Kids will play and they have to play. But you need to monitor and make sure the games they play are halal and the toys they use are appropriate. Once you explain to them the reasons behind it, and you instill in them taqwa from an early age, by focusing on what is pleasing to Allah (not just always telling them things are haram and forbidden, instead explaining to them about things that are pleasing to Allah), you are helping them build a connection with Allah (swt) from an early age. Take the time to patiently explain to them instead of resorting to punshiment and scolding, which can often have negative consequences.

-Take time to sit down with them to make them read stories or tell them stories about the lives of the prophets and other glorious stories from the quran – this has to be done. It can help build a solid foundation of good values which can save them from future addictive behaviours and other harms.

4) As they grow older, the way to keep this connection would be by being friends with your children: 

Narated By Abu Huraira : A man came to Allah's Apostle and said, "O Allah's Apostle! Who is more entitled to be treated with the best companionship by me?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man said. "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man further said, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your mother." The man asked for the fourth time, "Who is next?" The Prophet said, "Your father."Sahih Al Bukhari - Book of Good Manners And Form (Al-Adab)              Volume 008, Book 073, Hadith Number 002.

The parents are encouraged to be befriended by the children, they are encouraged to have the best companionship with the parents. However, it has to first come from the parents, the parents need to establish a good relationship with the children so they find it easy to approach the parents. For fathers, it’s good to be serious with the children but not too serious. The prophet (saw) was very loving, affectionate and easy going with his family. Being too strict with the kids makes them feel distant and alienated.

-There are a lot of misconceptions among the youth today. Often they feel its uncool to show respect to the parents in front of their friends and they talk rudely to their parents when with friends, just to appear cool. However, indeed, it’s the most uncool thing you could do!

It is narrated on the authority of 'Abdur-Rahman b. Abu Bakra that his father said: We were in the company of the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) that he observed: Should I not inform you about the most grievous of the grave sins? (The Holy Prophet) repeated it three times, and then said: Associating anyone with Allah, disobedience to parents, false testimony or false utterance. The Holy Prophet was reclining, then he sat up, and he repeated it so many times that we wished that he should become silent.

Sahih Muslimby Imam Muslim, translation by Abdul Hamid Siddiqui , Volume: The Book of Faith (Kitab Al-Iman)

And Allah (swt) has said in the Quran

And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff," and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.   17:23

 After worshipping Allah, the next command mentioned is to be good to your parents. This is how highly important it is to show goodness to one’s parents. Even if it is something as small as getting a pen lying on the table nearby at your parent’s request – maybe its just that good deed which would be accepted from you, which may be your ticket to jannah! And it’s the most beloved deed to Allah, its more beloved than you praying tahajjud or qiyamul layl. For after woshipping Allah Alone, the prophet (saw) mentions goodness to parents as the most beloved deed to Allah. However, parents should refrain from misusing this and becoming dictators. Parents should show mercy to their children and make them obey out of love for the parents. Being dutiful to parents brings about the blessings of Allah and disobeying/displeasing them brings about HIS wrath - And one should always be mindful of this.

5) Realtionship between siblings

- Abu Dawood (459) and Ahmad (6650) narrated from ‘Amr ibn Shu’ayb from his father that his grandfather said: The Messenger of Allaah (blessings and peace of Allaah be upon him) said: “Teach your children to pray when they are seven years old, and smack them (lightly) if they do not pray when they are 10 years old, and separate them in their beds.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Irwa’ (247). 

It is most common among most households to let siblings sleep together, even after they are 10 years of age. However, it’s a very clear cut hadiths that siblings should be separated and made to sleep in different rooms after they turn 10 as it is better for them.

-  “ … The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Fear Allah, and be just between your children.”” [Sahîh al-Bukhârî (2587) and Sahîh Muslim (1623)]                                                                                

There is a humorous saying in Arabic that the judge between the children was driven to suicide, indicating that judging between children is never an easy task. However as mentioned in the above hadiths, by being just when dealing with your children most of the issues arising from jealousy or conflicts can be dealt with more aptly. Justice does not mean that you love them equally, because love is something you cannot control. If you have three children, you might love one more than the others, it’s a natural thing. But it does not mean that you bring ur beloved child a gift and you leave the other two watching! And if you happen to buy one of them something that the others may not need, then make sure you explain to them the reason behind it – like one of them may have lesser toys so you buy him or her a toy one day, but make sure you explain this to the others. Do not make them feel that one of them is favoured among the others because that would automatically translate into hatred.

An alternate approach when kids fight is not interfering and letting them sort it out by them selves. Parents could refuse to engage with them in any way – taking them for an outing or playing games as a family – until they have sorted the issue out between them selves.

Imagine our life as a long road, which ends in jannah. We are all driving in cars through that road. As long as our line of communications are open, we are able to navigate through the road with ease. However, if we are unable to communicate clearly, some of the cars may be stuck and some may be lost on the way. Similarly, it’s important to have good communication between the members of the family in order to make our journey to jannah easy. If we remember that our ultimate goal is jannah together, 99% of our problems can be handled better. Our family can become a better family. If all families would follow this, we could have a better society; a better society will lead to better nation and our ummah as a whole would become more blessed, being able to overcome its enemies in general. We would be able to achieve what the prophet (saw) had predicted, either through us or through our future generations – a revival of our ummah for the better.

"And those who believed and whose descendants followed them in faith - We will join with them their descendants, and We will not deprive them of anything of their deeds. Every person, for what he earned, is retained." 

The Qur'aan 52:21

Reference

http://theonlyquran.com/hadith/Sahih-Muslim/?volume=1&chapter=39