(not suitable for young children <14 years )
These misconceptions of LOVE are mainly found by the young couples.These are the compiled lists of misconceptions that are found in young couples - it is compiled by Shaykh Saad Tasleem.
- Not able to differentiate INFATUATIONS & LOVE
INFATUATIONS
-it is the initial feeling/lust/attractions or butterfly in the stomach or bollywood scenes going into your mind - which in the people has the misconceptions of love. That is infatuations.
LOVE
-It happens after some time. We all know that when a couple is married , Allah(SWT) places mercy and love in their hearts but it is the birth of love. And, as time goes, when they spend more time together, their love will grow stronger.
-The young people mostly make decision about choosing right partner based on the INFATUATIONS.
-For example , the incompatibility issue , so you have brother and sister wants to get married but if they go through some Shaykh and some proper Islamic setting, the Shaykh will able to point them that they have many incompatible issues.
Personal Story from the Shaykh:
- A brother went to Shaykh and told him that he wants to marry a sister. Then , the Shaykh ask to talk more about it so that the Shaykh can give advice whether they are compatible or not. The Shaykh realised that the brother is religious and the sister is not religious. And, they are not compatible. So, the Shaykh enquired him why he is still want to pursue if she is not religious. Then, the Shaykh further told him “In Shaa Allah, the woman you are going to marry , she will be the mother of your children , do you think she can bring up your children well and are you comfortable with that idea?”. Then, the Shaykh asked the brother to go and think about it. And, the brother later told him that he did not think that far way
- So the problem is that young people do not have long term plans when they want to get married.
- They have assumption that the other party will change
The brother/ sister will think that they can change their husband/wife. As, they say as “Love conquers all”. But, after the honeymoon stages(2 months or depending on the people) fades away, then they will find it very difficult to change the person. I will say to the young couple who wants to get married that “ do think/ or have it in the mindset that they will not change at all , and if you are still interested in marrying them, then marry them”.
-So, do not have the assumption that the other party will change.
- By getting married, you are completing your half of yourself
- And, that’s what people will say that “thats my other half or better half” , in the beginning of the marriage.
- The issue is that they will think they have issue in themselves in emaan or any other problems but my spouse will have that strength. And, so they think they can complete each other by completing their strengths over their weaknesses.
-Islamically, we do not depend on the spouse.Though spouse can help us but it is not guaranteed. It is based on our relationship to Allah(SWT) and if that is fine, then the other relationships will be fine.
- The other problem is that we forget ourselves worth. In Islamically, our worth is based on the relationship with Allah - that is the most amazing and unbreakable thing. If, the person put their self worth in piety or relationship with Allah(SWT) , they will be secured in the relationship. They will not need the constant reminder/compliments from the other spouse.It is still amazing, Alhamdullilah, to receive compliments from the spouse but it is not the main element to make themselves feel complete
The story of Zahir(RA)
When PBUH once embraced Zahir(RA) and jokingly said “who wants to buy my slave”. The moment Zahir(RA) realised it is PBUH , he came to PBUH closer and said “ O Messenger Of Allah, I think I am unsellable - no one really wants to buy me”. And, it is said that Zahir(RA) is not best looking and he knew that. Then, PBUH said “ O Zahir, most certainly with Allah(SWT) you are most valuable”.
-So, PBUH is teaching him that his worth is not based on how people see and perceive him but how Allah(SWT) perceive him.
Hence, in the end of the day, the spouse might be disappointed or happy with them, but the self worth is depending on relationship with Allah(SWT).
- Soul Mate
- There is one single of person for us (partner).
-The pop culture or romantic drama or comedy dramas - And, your goal is to find that someone in the world who is PERFECT for you. And, after you meet the person , everything will be perfect. And, it will be like bollywood , there will be fireworks behind and you will know that its the right person.
2nd Personal Story from the Shaykh
-A sister once came to the Shaykh after he finished soul mate lecture.And ,asked him” Shaykh, do you mean that I have no soul mate?”. It depends on how you view it .
(i)If you think that the soul mate means that they know what you are thinking, they are in the same mind wavelength, they will bring flowers for you - then you don’t have soul mate. However,
(ii)if you think soulmate as someone whom Allah has decreed for you and you can go ahead , call this person as the soulmate.
-Another, sister came to Shaykh and said that she has issues with her husband. She said that “ I think I married the wrong person”. Then , when the Shaykh asked for the reason, then she replied as that “ I think he is not my soul mate”. And, their problem is very trivial , the sister just thought that her husband is not able to think like her etc
- If you find your Soulmate, then everything will be PERFECT
Seeking perfection = Its a big problem
- Perfect person do not exist. Even, if the brother and sister try to find for the perfect spouse for the rest of their life, they will not be able to do it. It is not exaggeration as there are cases where brothers who is financially stable, around 35-40 years of age and his mother will introduces him new girl every week to get married but the guy will never be able to find the perfect one. It might happening since he was 25 years old and he still going through the sisters.
- You will never be able to find the perfect person even the most popular Imaam or Shaykh can never be perfect person.
-And,if you think the person is perfect and then married them , you will be disappointed soon.
- We live in culture that in tv shows where the sisters will say that I want my Ryan Gosling as my husband except that he is wearing thobe and having beard. -but this person does not exist.
-Even in Dawah circles, people think the Shaykh and scholars are perfect and they have no issues- but it is not true
3rd Personal Story from Shaykh
- My close friend of mine, a well-known Islamic speaker- The Shaykh said if he tells the name , all the audience will know about him. He is Imam of the community.
-And, a sister called him once- it is not odd to receive phone calls because he is the Imaam and sisters/brothers will call him for problems.
-After the salam , the sister told the Imam that she is in love with him. Then, the Imam said to her “ You are not in love with me but you are love in with the perception of me. If, you can only ask from my wife about me , then she will say how I make her cry every single day”. Then, he slammed the phone.
- So, people assume that if the Shaykh/Imam is good looking , they might be perfect.But Perfectionism does not exist.
- Love is EFFORTLESS
-People assume that they love do not require effort. But, it actually does require effort. It is not only relationship between husband/wife but including the relationship with your parents where the love is in-born.
- You can build the relationship with your parents by being obedient and helping out . Or, you can decrease the love by being disrespectful with them.
-Even, if with the relationship with Allah(SWT) , we can increase the love by being obedient to Allah, doing more worship to Allah (SWT) etc. And, the more you disobey Allah(SWT) and neglect the obligations, the love of Allah will decrease.
- So, if that is the case for Allah(SWT), what about the normal people ?. And, this what the young people do not get it.
-LOVE REQUIRES EFFORT
- True Love Is UNCONDITIONAL
4rth Personal Story from Shaykh
The couple were having issues. Then, the Shaykh realised that they have unrealistic expectations.
-The sister had an expectation that her husband should love her no matter what, even if she is not obeying her husband etc
-This expectation is same as for the brother and it is more intense. He says “ since you are my wife, you have to love me no matter what”.
-And, if they find that their spouse are not loving them unconditionally , they they will say somethings like you are not my SOUL MATE etc.
- You are always ready for the LOVE as long it is the RIGHT PERSON
-Your achievements or your current status do not matter, but when you find the right person, you are ready. This is another misconception.
-This is one the biggest issue that the Shaykh experienced.
5th Personal Story from Shaykh
- 10 or 15 years ago, when there is revival of Dawah, the speakers / scholars will encourage the young people to get married young because of the fitnah.
- Due to that era, we can see many problems now. Many young people jump to the relationship when they are unprepared, and they do not even understand the basic things marriage.
- It can be as simple as the men and women are different. Men and Women will react in certain way and you will not be able to understand it. You have no choice but to accept it.Even, if you bang your head on the wall or pull your hair, he/she will understand the matter differently. It is because MEN and WOMEN are different.
- In the past the scholars will say it is impermissible for couple to get married before they learnt the Fiqh of Marriage & Divorce- this is the basic. -
Shaykh Saad Tasleem Commentary:
It should be revived now.
-Nowadays, there is minor issue happened between the couple, and they will freak out and call the Imaam. And, they have no idea. It is because of lack of responsibility.
- The brothers misconception of responsibility is that they should provide food, clothing , shelter to his wife.This is even prevalent in religious brothers. When it was enquired from the brother that why he is not providing more than that, then he says “the only thing that Shariah includes that I am only responsible for proving food, clothing and shelter”. - this is limited knowledge of understanding of what the Shariah requires.
- The Shakh say he always advise the young couple who wants to get married to have premarital counselling.
If, there is any error in transcriptions ,it is based on our shortcomings and not on the speaker itself. Do forgive us for any of our shortcomings, and pray and make dua for us if you have benefited from it .
The Audio/Video Version of Lecture:
DropBox:http://bit.ly/1cJz1Ns
- From SistersWeeklyHalaqah
Check our posts via:https://www.facebook.com/SistersWeeklyHalaqah
https://twitter.com/SistersHalaqah
https://twitter.com/SistersHalaqah
-
No comments:
Post a Comment